Keeping the Secret

So I have been keeping a secret for a month now. I have not wanted to say anything. Call it nerves or superstition or some sense of uneasiness, but I have remained tight lipped.

So, here it goes….

We are pregnant again!

E is a little over 9 weeks. We went in two weeks ago and could see the little heart beating strong, which was very exciting! 147 beats per minute. Supposedly that is an incredibly good sign.

I have really tried not to let the experiences we have had this past year taint how I feel about the pregnancy. I do know the first week or so I didn’t handle it well, and wouldn’t even really acknowledge that it was true. Call it a drive for self-preservation, or call it operating out of a sense of abject horror at the possibilities of a third miscarriage, but I walked around scared to death for the first days.

Over the past weeks, that has eased off some. When we went in for the 8 week appointment, I was horrified, because the last time we went in for an ultrasound we saw no hearbeat. But this time you could see right away. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

The anxiety has also lessened quite bit because E has been as sick as dog. I mean really really sick. Like having to run away from food smells. And she only wants to eat breakfast food. Seriously, like several times a week. I was standing in the kitchen the other night at 8:30 making homemade waffles (whoever bought us that waffle iron, thank you!). She ate three, which may not sound like a lot, but my wife is a tiny lady who generally eats like a bird. So we are having lots of grits, eggs and bacon, and I am sadly gaining more weight than she.

E has really seemed at peace with this whole thing. she keeps assuring me that it “feels different” than the other two, and she knows her own body well enough to know the difference. She also has really talked a lot about her she knows there is nothing we could have done with the other two pregnancies, and how her own spirituality and trust in God is stronger, even if you would think that it would have been weakened after last time.

Anyway, here we are, just a few days shy of ten weeks, and I am feeling pretty good about it. We go in tomorrow for an ultrasound that our doctor assures us is just to ease our minds. He wasn’t going to see us again until 12 weeks, but he has been very compassionate and understanding and said that we could come in tomorrow just for the peace of mind. There is still a part of me that is scared about tomorrow, which I am sure is only natural. Yet, there is another part of me that is ecstatic because I know I get to see the baby again.

Please say prayers for both E and the baby she is carrying. May God grant that this pregnancy be the one that leads us to another addition to our home.

Edited to add: Our due date is December 25th…how cool is that!?!?!?!?