Who Gives This Woman????
There is a young couple that is getting married this weekend. Though I am on leave from parish work for a month, I agreed to witness their vows and pronounce a blessing on the marriage. I am happy to do it.
I am using the new liturgical materials from the renewing worship process. The wedding stuff is pretty decent, and there are some options to use that I certainly prefer. There is no need to really add anything.
Or is there?
Traditionally, a member of the bride’s family (usually her father) “gives her away” to the groom. Now, I understand all the patriarchal implications, including the fact that this is rooted in a view that women were property to be bartered. It was something of a vestigial liturgical organ until the 70’s (it seems), when many denominations did not include this in the liturgical materials for blessing a union. The 1928 BCP has it; the 1979 does not. The SBH, but not in the LBW. Whatever. I totally get why it isn’t in there.
Here’s the issue, though. Every wedding I have presided over (and I mean EVERY ONE), the woman has asked to be given away. I explain why it is no longer in the official liturgy. She still insists. So what do I do? I include it. I write it back into the ceremony in the spot where it was in the older liturgies. My feeling is that if the woman understands its historical implication and still wants it, I am ok with that. This is not the ditch I want to die in.
One observation about it..well, I think it is really a question: With all the rubrics written, and all the options given for shaping the marriage rite, why not include some instructions on the best way to reinsert this little piece if it is desired. I am pretty sure I am not the only clergy member who has had to deal with a bride who wanted this. Maybe give some options, including a list of people who might be appropriate for giving the bride away, such as a brother or sister, or even a son or daughter in the case of a widowed/divorced woman.
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Makes me wonder if there couldn’t be an option in the marriage liturgy akin to the role of sponsor in baptism or presenter in ordination. Such a role could be fulfilled by family members, friends (groomsmen and bridesmaids) or even pre-marital preparation mentors, such as an older couple in the congregation (ok, this last one would never happen, but I can have my little dreams, can’t I?).
my mom walked me down the aisle. I can’t remember exactly but I think both she and my step dad said “we do” to the “who gives this woman” question. but we got married in a completely undefined tradition and the pastor probably would have done pretty much anything we asked if it didn’t involve me dancing topless or something.
that said, as far as a more defined rubric, i like the idea of giving some options to help people think beyond the traditional configuration. I also like the idea of a sponsor, which would open it to extra familial relationships and really give the bride a lot of options to make it a meaningful aspect of the ceremony.
I like that sponsor idea…it seems to maintain the connection that I think the brides are looking for and even opens it up some for folks to follow-up like sponsors in baptism. Cool idea.
In our case, A gave Mrs. LP away, but then stood with us throughout the whole ceremony. This was really meaningful for all three of us…but I digress.
I’ve seen groups of friends present BOTH members (or each) of a couple at weddings of both kinds (gay and straight, churched and not)…like sponsorship, yeah!
I think the UCC has something in the wedding liturgy–it’s on line somewhere–for children accepting the marriage and parenting of the spouse. It’s an effective way of including children in the service. A blessing for the couple is done, but also for one of the family, including the children. Jesse stood up with us for most of the ceremony. We didn’t do the parenting piece then because Sue and I have both always been his only parent, but it was included when we finished his second parent adoption by Sue and we had a blessing over the adoption service from the BCP.
procrastination hits–General Ordination Exams begin Tuesday at 9 am, lasting until Saturday (the Epiphany) at 12:30 pm. All prayers delightfully received!
Sponsorship is one way to go. In our ceremony we had family give us away to show the binding of peoples of the earth in the union of two and we had church sponsors as well in part to receive us for the Church our being handed over to one another by family. You might consider composing a collect or prayer that makes this explicit with regard to the handing over. I think most of the traditional reason for the handing over was problematic, but I think these young women intuit something important about how the joining of two families is symbolized (and I suspect they’ve seen this in every tv wedding ever).
BTW, when we were married we walked down the aisle together, after declaring our intent to be married at the church door prior to the processional hymn. Nobody gave anybody away - we came in together, walked out together, and our families participated proudly from the first pew. One witness each - her sister and my brother - accompanied us at the altar, but otherwise had no role in responding to questions or anything else spoken.
In all the weddings I’ve done, the bride’s father “escorted” her down the aisle but I never asked “who gives this woman…” It was always done to the processional music, the father kissed his daughter, often shook the grooms hand, and went to his seat. Then the music ended and I began the service with the Apostolic Greeting.
What I think I’ll miss, and maybe will have to insert into the ELW service, are the sentences before the vows:
“The Lord God in his goodness created us male and female, and by the gift of marriage founded human community in a joy that begins now and is brought to prefection in the life to come.
Because of sin, our age-old rebellion, the gladness of marriage can be overcast and the gift of the family can become a burden.
But because God, who established marriage, continues still to bless it with his abundant and ever-present support, we can be sustained in our weariness and have our joy restored.”
Actually, that has been the pattern or structure of my wedding sermons so I might just incorporate that into my ‘address.’
My dad isn’t alive, I don’t know if my brothers will be at my wedding or not, if not I think I have to look into my mum doing it, i’m not sure and have never seen anyone but a dad give away a bride.
LP,
I believe, if you check the LBW minister’s desk edition in the “notes on the service” for marrige, there are ideas about how to best place that into the service (and a couple of options on phrasing). There is a similar note in the ELW leaders desk edition (although without suggestions for phrasing). I do like the full declaration of intentent included in ELW (including consent of the families & congregation).
I have often supplemented special services with bits and pieces from the BCP — especially blessings and benedictions. Those in the LBW (and to a lesser extent, the ELW) have always seemed lacking to me — whereas if you use some of the BCP benedictions (and the BCP Occassional Services benedictions) the congregation knows that they have been blessed.